


Some people aren’t meant to be

by Sharing_a_room_with_an_open_fire



Series: It must have been love [1]
Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Baz tries to date, Blushing Tyrannus Basilton ”Baz” Pitch, Dating, Dramatic Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Happy Ending, First Dates, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Gay Simon Snow, Gay Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch, Hugs, Hurt/Comfort, Jealous Simon Snow, Light mention of sex, M/M, Minor Injuries, Minor Violence, Misunderstandings, Museums, Mutual Pining, Oblivious Simon Snow, Oblivious Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch, POV Alternating, POV First Person, Penelope Bunce is a Good Friend, Pining Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch, Premal is a terrible person, Protective Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch, Sad Simon Snow, Sad Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch, Sad with a Happy Ending, Simon Snow is Gay for Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch, Simon is angry, Simon might not be a complete moron in this one, Sneering is pretty when it’s Baz, SnowBaz, Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch Angst, Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch Is Gay for Simon Snow, Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch in Jeans, Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch/Simon Snow Angst, Watford Eighth Year, baz is oblivious, but also a tad dramatic, heartbroken baz, very sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-02
Updated: 2020-12-09
Packaged: 2021-02-27 21:01:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 15,642
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22992109
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sharing_a_room_with_an_open_fire/pseuds/Sharing_a_room_with_an_open_fire
Summary: [Mature] 18+ Simon and Baz. (Mature for language and Minor violence.)He's standing there with fists clenched at his sides, shaking his head, eyes full of both confusion and anger. His magic is flaring up to the point of this whole place smelling like smoke in a matter of seconds.”You can’t be on a date. Because that means—”I don’t let him finish and try to put as much menace in my next words as possible, ”Yes, Snow. That means I’m gay. What a brilliant observation on your part.”Set Watford 8th year. Baz decides to try and get over Simon by dating Alex — a bloke he met at a museum. Alex is nice, but he's not Simon.Speaking of Simon. He follows Baz to the date.Certain realisations follow.Heavy Angst (with Happy Ending in the next part of the series).
Relationships: Dev & Niall & Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch, Fiona Pitch & Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch, Penelope Bunce & Simon Snow, Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch & Simon Snow, Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch/Simon Snow
Series: It must have been love [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2048687
Comments: 33
Kudos: 169
Collections: Carry On Countdown 2020





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Many thanks and 💙 to my wonderful and supportive friends and betas Blue ([mybluebucketofsnow](https://archiveofourown.org/users/mybluebucketofsnow/pseuds/mybluebucketofsnow)) and [Theawkwardbibliophile](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Theawkwardbibliophile/works).
> 
> Playlists (Spotify):
> 
> [Some people aren’t meant to be](https://open.spotify.com/user/jyhh3lv46hl1ktbhv35n3uzk7/playlist/52Yq1SmU4se5hUS7BNQOUp?si=9hMjwjwsRAmyph8FIOO7SA)
> 
> [Some people aren’t meant to be (Happier)](https://open.spotify.com/user/jyhh3lv46hl1ktbhv35n3uzk7/playlist/6YCnVYvIav7znXEUasLPr0?si=t9uAkrumThCxDL-Ud5Kvlg)

# BAZ

” _Stay away from him!_ I won’t let you suck dry an innocent person, even if he’s a Normal,” Snow practically spits at me.

I master the best fake smirk I can on short notice and emotions running wild.

”Don’t worry, Snow. Since it’s a date — I’m not the one doing the sucking,” I state with a perfect compulsion even though I feel _anything_ but. 

Crowley, I’m not entirely sure why I phrase it like that; perhaps to shock Snow or because I’m _desperate_ to see his reaction. 

The truth is there hasn’t been any sucking involved thus far. Alex, (his name is Alex, he goes to school just outside Watford) and I haven’t even kissed yet. It’s our first date. People don't kiss on first dates, I don’t think. 

My little revelation stops Snow right in his tracks, ” _What_?”

”I’m sure you heard me the first time,” I declare as calmly as possible and make sure to sneer at him for good measure.

He's standing there with fists clenched at his sides, shaking his head, eyes full of both confusion and anger. His magic is flaring up to the point of this whole place smelling like smoke in a matter of seconds.

”You can’t be on a date. Because that means-”

I don’t let him finish and try to put as much menace in my next words as possible, ”Yes, Snow. That means I’m _gay_. What a brilliant observation on your part.” 

Snow’s eyes go wide, cheeks flushed and he looks absolutely terrified, ”But- You- all _wrong_ -” 

_Oh…_ All wrong? Perhaps he can bond with my father about that notion... 

Snow can’t even manage to form a coherent sentence, can he?

I’ve been curious as to Snow’s possible homophobic tendencies for years. That was one of the reasons I kept my sexuality a secret. I didn’t want to be subjected to this kind of judgmental treatment. (The kind I’m getting from Snow now.) And, despite everything, I didn’t want to make him uncomfortable around me, more than he already is. 

Well, at least now I don’t have to spend our last year at Watford wondering if I should talk about my feelings, worrying that I’ll lose my chance with Snow the day we graduate…

You could say that Snow’s reaction made it all so much easier for me — to finally know that there never was even the slight possibility of ”us”. Not sure if it feels better to face the truth or if that hurts more than unknowing. I suspect it’s the latter.

I will let myself fall apart at a more convenient time — during a private moment, possibly in the comfort of Fiona's flat. I need to give her a call… since I clearly can’t stay at school, locked in a room with Snow for the whole weekend after this lovely bigoted interaction…

Snow is so angry that if there weren’t any witnesses around — he would just strike me with his sword, here and now. 

I raise one eyebrow at him, my face settled and pretend that I’m fine, perfectly fine while sounding utterly bored, ”Don’t strain yourself by using so many words all at once.”

Snow looks at me with eyes full of what I can only assume is anger and pure _horror_. 

Nonetheless, I hold my head high because I won’t let Snow know how much he affects me. I won’t give him the satisfaction. 

”If you don’t mind, I’d rather go back to my companion than spend any more time with the likes of you,” I do my best to turn my nose down at him.

Quite frankly, I’m not sure why I’m still standing here. What am I waiting for exactly? I don’t want to hear how uncomfortable he will be around me from now on…

Snow seems to have found his vocabulary and almost screams, ”What’s that supposed to mean? He’s a _Normal_.”

I don't deem his question worthy of an answer. What does the fact that I met a Normal bloke have to do with Snow being a homophobic arsehole?

Eventually, he tries to muster something more to say. ”Baz,” he clears his throat and glares at me yet again. “I—”

"You what?" I narrow my eyes at him. Does Snow want to say that he hates me? That he despises me?

However, he ransacks his hair with one hand before shaking his head again. " _Nothing_ ," he finally squeezes out.

_I’m done here._

In truth, I’m not completely sure if I’m disappointed. Perhaps hate would have been better than Snow giving up on me altogether.

I wish he would disgust me as much as I apparently disgust him. Unfortunately, you can’t choose who you fall in love with… 

Snow practically jumps out of my way as I pass.

”It’s not contagious, you aren’t going to lose your heterosexuality if you come too close,” I sneer at him and turn my face away before he can see tears in my eyes. 

I’ll be damned to hell twice over before I let him know how deeply he hurt me. I’m not going to cry in front of Simon _bloody_ Snow.

Where _can_ I cry? Snow accosted me on my way from the loo. I don’t dare return there in case he follows me inside. Knowing Snow he just might, to gloat or glare or whatever strikes his fancy when his queer roommate is having a nervous breakdown.

Instead, I get back to Alex, to our table and try and think of a good reason to excuse myself for a few minutes without being rude.

My face must not be as composed as I hoped for, Alex looks at me worried, ”Baz, is something wrong?”

”In a manner of speaking,” I’m making this up as I go. ”I’ll be staying with my aunt for the weekend and need to get a hold of her to clarify a few details because I don’t have a car.” It’s not a lie since I will be doing just that. 

”I can drive you to your aunt. London isn’t that far away,” he offers because he’s kind.

”That’s more than generous, thank you. But I still need to talk to her in any case.”

Alex nods at me sympathetically with full understanding. 

You could say I’m manipulating him into understanding. I just don’t want him wondering too much as to my sudden change of mood. ”Of course, I understand.”

”My apologies. It’d be just a few minutes,” I take out my mobile as I speak. 

”Take your time, Baz. We aren’t in a hurry,” he says with an earnest smile.

”Thank you, Alex,” I try to smile in return and get out of the café.

* * *

The autumn wind is slapping my face as I step outside. Earlier I would have deemed it unpleasant. However, now I need to stay sharp and alert and cold might be just the right way to get me there. 

What I need is to think and calm down. I’m holding the mobile to my ear, waiting for Fiona to answer. (She figured out a spell so I could use it at school.)

I’m calling her on the landline since her mobile is always dead _or_ on silent. My aunt doesn’t believe in technology much. She also never picks up on the first twelve rings at the very least.

Aleister _Crowley_ , I just came out to Simon Snow and he was repulsed by me. Suddenly, the rain droplets feel like small daggers, as if they are capable of penetrating my skin and reach the target — my undead heart and make it bleed. 

I look up at the grey sky and welcome the pain. It’s nothing that I don’t deserve I suppose. I let a few tears escape and roll freely down my cheeks, getting mixed with rain — no one will notice. 

Thank snakes, I tied my hair up. This weather would have ruined whatever effort I’d put in it. 

I didn’t have time to style my hair since I took far too long to decide what to wear and changed my outfit three times. I’ve never been on a date before. I _was_ excited, I still am. Snow hasn’t ruined everything for me. 

In the end, I choose a pair of black jeans and a tight fitting dark green v-neck jumper, (almost black.) Alex said I look nice. 

He’s a dirty blonde with sun kissed skin and a bit shorter than me, an inch or so. 

Alex looks lovely today — hair pulled up and wearing dark grey jeans, snug in all the right places and a casual fitted button up — darkest blue with a hint of teal. It gives more force to his expressive green eyes. Alex has beautiful eyes and smiles with them a lot. His eyes are what I like the most about him. Both because they _are_ beautiful but also because they look nothing like Snow’s eyes.

He’s still here — _Snow_. I could see him standing in the queue before I stepped outside. He hasn’t left but he hasn’t followed me either. (Thank magic for small miracles the universe provides.) 

I wonder if he’s going to make a scene with that fucking sword of his. Surely not. Snow wouldn’t want to bring attention to himself, to our world. However, one might never know with him.

_Finally,_ I hear my aunt pick up, there’s some cracking in the distance. Fiona really needs to get a better telephone. ”Who is it? What’s this about?” she barks sourly.

”Fiona, it’s me,” I try to keep my voice calm. But I might not succeed since my aunt becomes frantic over the course of two seconds.

” _Basil_ , what’s wrong? Where are you? Are you hurt? Is it the Mage?”

”I’m fine, it’s nothing dangerous.”

”Are you sure about that?” She’s still worried.

”Something happened — of a _personal_ manner. I’m fine, I can promise you that much,” I say and even though I might not sound bored I don't sound as heartbroken as I thought I would. 

I count that as a win. Me — one. Snow — zero.

Fiona is quiet, waiting for me to continue. She knows there's more. ”Could I stay with you for the weekend? Would it be a bother?” I finally add.

”You almost gave me a heart attack there, boyo. Yes. Do you want me to pick you up at school right now?”

”I’m sorry to have worried you for nothing,” I say even though I know she doesn’t believe me. My aunt is too smart to think everything is fine. I never spent a weekend away from school. I never wanted to be away from Snow if I didn’t have to… I guess I’m experiencing more than one ”first time” today, date notwithstanding.

”Thank you. Yes, please, but not at school. I’m at a café in the village. The one by the _pub_ ,” I clarify since I know what my aunt was up to during her years at school. (I’ve seen photographs.)

”I’m on my way, will be there in an hour. Don’t go anywhere.”

Fiona is going to cast speeding spells in order to get here this fast. I don’t bother telling her that it’s not necessary. My aunt won’t listen to me, not now when she knows something is wrong.

”See you then. Charge your phone will you?”

I can faintly hear Fiona muttering ”bloody numpty” as she hang up the telephone.

I inhale deeply and give myself a few moments to gather my thoughts. I also make sure to settle my face and my nerves. ”It’s going to be fine, Basilton. You’ve got this.” 

There’s a lovely bloke waiting for me back at the café, who _wants_ to be on a date with me. In fact, he was the one to ask me out. 

* * *

At first I was hesitant since I’m in love with Snow. However, lately, I’ve been entertaining the idea of getting over him and letting go of my feelings in one manner or another. A date with a handsome and kind bloke seemed a far better way than letting myself be stabbed to death by Snow, both physically and metaphorically. 

Because the chances of our antagonism changing into something _else_ were slim to nothing. 

I was slightly worried of accidentally revealing myself as a mage or as a vampire or possibly _both_. Instead, I decided to take a leap of faith and use ”I’m in show” as an excuse should I unintentionally do something out of the ordinary; it’s what my aunt Fiona always told me to say if anyone ever noticed my fangs.

Alex and I have been messaging each other over the last few weeks after we met at the library in London at the end of the summer break. 

We even spoke on the phone once or twice. The last time was when he called to ask me out. 

”I’m flattered, Alex, truly,” I said and I was. This was my first time to be asked out on a date.

”Don’t tell me there’s someone else?”

”You could say so.”

”Tell me who your other admirer is and I will duel him when the clock strikes midnight,” he said, voice full of laughter. I laughed too. Alex wasn’t being serious, he’s just very fascinated with medieval times and tends to appreciate its culture and expressions. 

He’d be surprised if he knew how we do things in the World of Mages. (My mother defended my father in three duels before he accepted her proposal.)

”It’s not like that. _I’m_ the one with feelings,” I admitted and suddenly felt foolish talking about Snow with Alex.

”How long have you felt this way?”

”A while, I was twelve when the condition started, ” I tried to make a joke of it but there was a knot in my throat. That was the first time I told anyone about Snow. ”He doesn’t know,” I add at the end with much less composure.

”Well, Baz. That sounds to me as a simple adolescent crush that you haven’t had the possibility to get over _yet_.”

”I’m not sure it’s that simple,” I answered truthfully because I’ll be damned if I ever try and lead someone on… (My longing looks at Wellbelove and Snow do not count.)

”I appreciate you telling me, Baz. And you’re welcome to share more if you want and need to. You can talk about this with me, no strings attached.” 

”Thank you,” I was at a loss for words. I wasn’t expecting this — support from someone I only recently met. 

A few moments of silence stretched between us. ”I ask you to reconsider,” he finally said.

”Alex, are you quite sure?” I asked cautiously. ”The last thing I want is to take advantage of you.” 

”Absolutely. Let's do it. All cards are already on the table.” I could hear him smiling.

”Yes, well that’s true, I suppose...”

I _was_ reconsidering. 

Was it selfish and self-indulgent of me to start dating while my heart was already taken? Undoubtedly. Perhaps it was my desire for a friendly face that was winning this moral debacle, for someone to like me or a possibility for me to like someone who isn’t Simon Snow. 

I wasn’t sure it'll work. Furthermore, I wasn’t sure it was even a good idea. However, I realized that I wanted to try. 

Change doesn’t come of its own volition, I need to start _somewhere_. And where a better place to start than with a kind and thoughtful boy who already knows about my feelings for Snow?

”This isn’t a commitment ceremony. It’s just a date, Baz.”

Just a date… 

* * *

I exhale with more force than I used to, wipe my cheeks of tears and rain and get back inside, to Alex — _my_ _date_.

”Sorry to keep you waiting,” I tell him as I settle down on the opposite side. (I can still feel Snow’s magic and his gaze on me and try my hardest not to pay that any attention at all.)

”Not at all. Did you get a hold of your aunt?”

”Yes, she’ll pick me up in an hour or so. Fiona is on her way already,” I explain since London is almost three hours drive from here.

”Splendid, it gives us time to try the new brand of coffee the place added to their assortment last week,” he gives me an easy smile. 

Everything _is_ easy with Alex. It’s all smiles and laughter and kindness. It’s the opposite of any interaction I had with Snow — with his flustered growling and angry glares and threats to expose me as a _vampire_. (I only ever threatened to kill him, but never actually tried. Snow is actively trying to get rid of me.)

I should be with someone who’ll make me feel good about myself and not someone who calls me a ”monster” at every corner. Because I’d like to believe that despite what I am — I’m _not_ an actual monster. I’m not a murderer. I’ve never hurt a person and I never will…

”What is this new coffee you speak of? You intrigue me, my dear sir,” I say as I try giving Alex an easy smile in return. 

I secretly hope my smile is at least 80% genuine. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is going to be my third not finished yet ongoing fic. 
> 
> It’s obviously more responsible to finish the whole story before starting to post. Unfortunately, if I don’t post as soon as I’m done with a chapter — best case scenario I keep changing EVERYTHING over and over again on a constant loop or — more likely DELETE it altogether and pretend the fic never happened, because… issues… 
> 
> So please bear with me. The updates are going to be VERY SLOW but they will be coming.


	2. Chapter 2

# SIMON

Baz was changing his clothes in the washroom over and over and I knew something was up. 

I have no idea why exactly I followed him to the café. (That’s a lie and an obvious one.) I suspected what it was — a date, I was just hoping I was wrong… 

Agatha was away over the weekend. And I thought maybe they decided to meet up behind my back. 

We aren’t together anymore — Agatha and I so it’s not like I had the right to follow and check in on them. Not sure I ever had the right to do something like that, but it never stopped me before so why should it now? 

* * *

I see Baz through the window to the café with some bloke and so obviously I have no other choice than to go inside. (I decide it’s for the best not to overthink as to why.)

As it turns out the bloke is a Normal, that’s why I assume Baz is going to drain him. I mean that’s what he does, he must be draining people. 

Baz _must_ be evil. If he's not then me obsessing over him for seven years suddenly takes on a whole new meaning and I’m not ready to face that yet.

I corner him as soon as he’s exiting the loo and do what I do best — I threaten him, ” _Stay away from him!_ I won’t let you suck dry an innocent person, even if he’s a Normal.” 

Baz knows about my Sword of the Mages, he knows I can back up my threats.

But he just smirks at me, the arrogant bastard — not a worry on his face.

”Don’t worry, Snow. Since it’s a date — I’m not the one doing the sucking,” he even looks bored when he says it. 

How can a person look bored while talking about well… a _sexual_ deed?

I can’t even process that part properly since I’m too shocked because that’s a Normal bloke out there. 

_A Normal._

Have I misheard? I must have misheard. That happens sometimes when I’m too angry to really understand things or people...

” _What_?”

”I’m sure you heard me the first time,” his lips curl into a sneer. (I should probably stop paying so much attention to his lips.)

I’m going on a limb here and say that I might have heard him correct the first time after all. And that makes completely no sense and makes me so bloody furious all at the same time. 

I can’t believe it’s true — a _Normal_. 

Agatha always says that I’m a Normal and I've spent years thinking that Baz also thinks so and that was the reason why he treated me the way he did — that he despises me because I’m a Normal. But now he’s on a date with one. It makes no bloody sense.

My magic starts to flare up uncontrollably. And honestly in this moment, I rather go off and experience that pain than what I’m feeling right now. (I try not to think about what _exactly_ that is.)

”You can’t be on a date. Because that means-” I start saying but Baz, as per usual, cuts me off.

”Yes, Snow. That means I’m _gay_. What a brilliant observation on your part,” he says, voice full of cruelty. It’s always like that. Baz is never nice to me — _never_.

I don't think I deserve that. Well, I mean, I never treat him as anything else than an evil plotting vampire I'm trying to prove that he is. I think I’ve been desperate to convince everyone of him being evil, because then I might finally believe it myself...

Baz never lets me talk, always thinks he’s better than me. I’m getting extremely flustered because that wasn’t what I was trying to say. Also how is _he_ not addressing the most important part — him being on a date with a Normal? 

_A Normal._

”But- You- all _wrong_ -” I’m bad with words on a good day, but today Baz is making me too — I don’t even know — angry and hurt about this — him and _that_ person.

Other topics keep popping up in my head — images of two of them snogging — it’s driving me completely mad with _rage_. 

I’m so furious right now I could kill someone, like the same individual that I just threatened Baz _against_ draining a moment ago. If I get any angrier — I’d probably do it — kill him.

Talk about ironi. I hate that bloke already with all that I’ve got. 

Of course, Baz just makes fun of me — like he always does, while looking extremely bored and that stupid ( _perfect_ ) eyebrow raised too high, ”Don’t strain yourself by using so many words all at once.”

I’m too embarrassed to answer. Baz always made me feel as though he was better than me, as though I didn’t belong. I thought it was because I came from Normal world. And then he goes on a bloody date with a Normal… How is that person better than me? I at least _have_ magic even if I’m not good with using it. That boring looking bloke has none.

It’s hard trying not to think why I despise him this much already.

I’m fuming with anger, denial… 

You name it, I’ve got it all!

”If you don’t mind, I’d rather go back to my companion than spend any more time with the likes of you,” he tells me and looks at me as if I was scum of the earth.

I’ve had enough of this, ”What’s that supposed to mean? He’s a _Normal_.” 

I’m not worse than a Normal. I raise my voice because I’m frantic and frustrated and also keep imagining them _together_.

He doesn’t answer. As I try to calm down a bit I realize that even though Baz is being mean to me, I’d still might need to apologize for accusing him of wanting to drain his date. 

There are probably some lines that shouldn’t be crossed in this antagonism we have been having. This right here might be one of those lines… 

I don’t bloody well know what’s alright or not anymore when it comes to Baz and me. There are too many thoughts invading my mind that I’ve been trying hard not to think about for a very long time, (for years.)

”Baz,” I clear my throat and try to get the right words out but I’m _still_ angry at everything at this point and I don’t know how to phrase what I want to say exactly. “I—”

"You what?" He narrows his grey eyes at me. It’s the prettiest colour I’ve ever seen. And the most intense — a perfect storm in the deepest sea — the kind that messes with one’s head if one gazes into them for too long.

I look away and start pulling on my hair because I honestly don’t know how to state what I want to say to him and eventually just give up. 

" _Nothing_." 

Merlin, I’m not sure what to do. Baz will probably throw a curse at me if I try to apologize because I would just mess the apology up somehow, I just know it. 

I always mess everything up. 

At the moment I have troubles concentrating because all I can think about is how nice Baz smelled earlier before he left for a date with this _bloke_ and not Agatha (which feels much worse than him being on a date with my ex-girlfriend for reasons I don’t want to think about.) 

And I can still feel that nice scent on him now every time I inhale (we’re standing very close) and how I should probably not be smelling him while he’s on a date with someone, how that’s extremely inappropriate. 

I almost jerk away when Baz is leaving because I worry he’ll know somehow that I’m smelling him and have been for longer than I care to admit.

”It’s not contagious, you aren’t going to lose your heterosexuality if you come too close,” he sneers at me and turns away before I get to say anything. 

I’m not entirely sure there is _any_ heterosexuality in me at all to lose, if I have to be completely honest with myself. (I try _not_ to be, it saves a lot of headaches in the process.) 

Not that I was planning to tell him that and make it all about me when he’s the one on a date.

Baz is wearing jeans and I try not to stare. They are snug from his waist to his ankles. I might be starring…

Oh also — Baz is gay. Who knew? 

And who knew that he’d be going on dates with Normals… 

Other thoughts start to intrude my mind.

Have there been more than one person? 

How many people is Baz dating? 

I’ve never seen him with anyone at school, and believe me when I tell you this — I was looking at him all the time.

That’s practically what my seven years at Watford were about — watching Baz, (for reasons I tried very hard not to think about.)

I don’t follow him outside, because I still don’t know what to do. ”Sorry I accused you of wanting to drain your date” is what I want to tell him. But me with words and around Baz — that’s a lethal combination that usually ends up with a fight or me going off.

Yeah, that conversation wouldn’t have turned out great. 

I do stay at the café, because honestly, I’m not in any state to go anywhere. I get myself a latte without an espresso shot. It’s steamed milk. I don’t think I need more energy and excitement than I already have.

I watch them as Baz comes back. I can’t actually hear neither of them speak, (it’s too busy at the café) but they do talk a lot. Apparently Baz has no problems with letting that person get to the point, without any interruptions like he constantly does to me. 

Although, it doesn’t look like that bloke has troubles expressing himself — he babbles like an overactive puppy. That can’t be attractive can it? 

Even though Baz has his hair up, there are a few stray out here and there. 

After a while I see him tuck it behind his ear, while the bloke is speaking, in the same way I’ve seen Agatha do whenever she hears someone paying her a compliment about something important to her, or when she’s feeling a bit self-conscious.

Of course Baz will be getting compliments — he’s fit, smart and cool. 

He’s everything one would want on a date, or as a boyfriend. 

I wonder if they are already boyfriends. When did they meet? Where did they meet? What does that bloke have that I don’t? He doesn't even look posh, looks like a nerd if anything and not the cool kind like Baz. 

This boy is a regular uncool kind of nerd.

What does Baz even see in him?

While I’m watching them, my mind is flooded with memories of Baz on an endless loop. 

How I came to every football game and spent a good portion of the time watching his long legs and his lean body. 

How I kept watching his hair fall in his eyes and on his cheeks and wondering how it would feel to the touch. I also did watch Baz play — he’s talented and skilled. He’s the same on the field as he is everywhere else. 

Strong. Graceful. Fucking ruthless.

How I found that so infuriatingly attractive no matter how much I tried to bury that thought...

I'm trying to convince myself that the only reason I stay is to calm down and to check that Baz is _truly_ on a date and haven’t lied to me in order to drain this bloke. I do my best and pretend to believe that reasoning.

If you tell yourself something often enough — you might even end up thinking it to be true…

I’m used to pretending and trying not to think about things.

I pretend that the Mage cares about me and is not simply using me to do his bidding.

I pretend that Agatha doesn’t see me as a Normal.

I pretend that everyone at school would still want to be my friend if I didn’t have so much magic and they weren’t drawn to it alone — like to a drug. (Except for Baz, he’s immune to me.)

I pretend that all I ever felt towards Baz is _hatred_.

I pretend that I don't enjoy watching him.

I pretend that it’s completely normal for an enemy to obsess about how fit and flawless he is.

I pretend that it’s not weird to constantly look at his beautiful black hair, and want to thread my fingers through it and pull him closer toward me. 

I pretend how it’s not out of the ordinary to have a list in my head of all the things I’ve always wanted to do to Baz when _none_ of it is hostile or just of platonic friendly kind. (I’m good at pretending the list doesn’t exist.)

It’s easier to pretend then face some hard truth… 

Like that Penny is the only person who truly cares about me, possibly Agatha too. But I think Agatha thinks that she has to care about me, out of whatever obligation… 

Or the fact that I’m still a virgin despite having had a girlfriend for three years. 

How I _never_ think about Agatha while wanking, how I never admit out loud where exactly my thoughts wander…

I’ve tried thinking about Agatha, I really did — repeatedly. But it never worked very well for me and eventually, my thoughts drifted towards other people… only _one_ person to be precise and how easy it was to finish then and so much more satisfying than anything else I ever did…

Standing next to Agatha, I look like I’m who I’m supposed to be. I try not to think about how standing next to Baz I look like I’m actually who I am. (That thought will do me no good.)

I’m very good at pretending. And today I will walk back to Watford, (to school, we’re in Watford still) and pretend that I haven’t just admitted to myself that I fancy Baz, more than _just_ fancy, so much more... too much... I’m in love with him.

I wonder how long I can go on pretending.

When the bloke reaches for Baz’s cup even from over here I can clearly see that Baz blushes just a little as their fingers happen to touch. (He must have fed recently.)

My stomach drops at the sight of that and my eyes feel weird. (Not weird — I’m about to cry, that’s what it is.)

I draw the line at this. It’s a real date (I never actually doubted it wasn’t) and I can’t stay here any longer. The last thing I want is to see them _snog._

* * *

The fresh air during the walk back to school doesn't make me feel any better. My eyes are stinging from tears and I bloody hate that. 

I need some clarity. How can I pretend none of my feelings are real when I’m crying for Christ’s sake?

Maybe _that’s_ the real clarity and in that case — I don’t want it. 

I want to go back to _not_ thinking, I want to go back to hate because hate is so much better than pain.

Eventually I see Penny walking towards me when I'm back on the grounds. 

She notices that something is wrong right away.

”Simon, are you alright?”

Discussing Baz’s private life seems extremely wrong but I feel terrible and I need to talk to someone.

It’s not that I want to drag Penny into this, but she’s the only person I talk to, as in really talk — about things that matter. (I don’t have anyone else in my life.)

”Something happened today and it bothers me,” I eventually tell her because I need to vent before I inevitably end up going off with my magic _or_ go completely mad with jealousy. (I know that’s what I’m feeling even if I really don’t like to admit it.)

Penny looks terrified in an instance. ”What’s wrong? Did something happen? Is it the Humdrum?”

I’m going to tell her...

”Penny, Baz was on a date with a Normal,” I answer but don't mention it to be a boy. That seems very inappropriate to do. I don’t want to betray Baz’s trust. 

Not that he trusts me — I stalked him just like I used to do our fifth year and accosted him outside the loo while he was on a date. I didn’t precisely give him a choice did I?

Penny’s eyes widen and she exclaims, ”Merry Morgana, of course it bothers you. It would have bothered anyone. Has Basil been to America recently?”

She’s making no sense at all. 

”America? I have no idea. Why?” 

”Mum says that’s where our magic is going—bleeding out through ill-considered American marriages. Perhaps he picked up the trend. How can Basil, of all people, who values magic, do something like that?”

I was hoping to be the one doing most of the talking here for once. (Penny talks a lot.) 

Still, I want to know what she’s on about.

”Why does it matter?” 

”I wouldn't have expected it from Basil,” Penny says as if she isn’t really listening to me. (She probably isn’t, since this looks suspiciously as a beginning of an extended rant.) ”Their children won’t be magickal.”

” _Children_?” I ask dumbstruck. We're still in school...

”Yes, marrying a Normal is extremely selfish and irresponsible. We have _obligations_.”

”Obligations?” I repeat because Penny sounds like an insane person. She raises her eyebrow at me, almost like Baz does. (Sometimes it’s a bit scary how similar they are.)

”Magic is _precious_ , Simon. If we all start marrying Normals, all the magic will bleed out and there won’t be a World of Mages left. Is that what you want? That magic disappears?” Penny asks me and before I get to answer she continues on with her tirade. ”We’d be doing the Humdrum work for it…”

”Penny. Aren’t you overreacting a bit?” I mean at least I hope she’s overreacting. How serious are Baz and that bloke? (I absolutely don’t want to think about that — it might drive me into insanity.)

She gives me the most fierce and determined look. (Her glasses make her look more severe. Penny would be a terrifying supervillain, just like her mum.)

”No, Simon. I can’t believe Basil would do this. We can't afford this kind of behaviour. Magic is already declining as it is. I need to speak to him before the relationship gets serious and they get engaged.”

”Penny, they are on a date. I doubt it’s ’marriage serious’ _yet_ ,” I try to calm her down and myself as well. Because I’m well aware that things work differently in the World of Mages. Many magicians marry very young. I keep forgetting how so much is different here in comparison to the Normal world.

Baz is already eighteen. (We both are, probably — I’m not sure when’s my birthday exactly.) 

Realistically he could have come back from summer break engaged or even married and no one would bat an eyelid. It would be considered completely ordinary.

I shudder when I think about that — Baz getting married to someone… Baz being in love with someone… (Someone who isn’t _me_.)

However, I have bigger problems to worry about for now. Because frankly, I’m worried Penny will walk right up to Baz and say all of this to him. 

She isn’t the most polite or prone to sensibility towards others person out there… Penny means no harm, but she does tend to say things that might hurt people’s feelings. (She doesn’t see that herself.)

I don’t know if Baz told anyone that he’s gay. I haven’t heard anything, so I don’t feel comfortable telling even Penny. 

But I certainly don’t want her to bother him with the tale of ”magic bleeding out” and ”obligations”. I can only assume that he probably has heard that at home already, since he’s the last in the Pitch line. 

The worst thing Penny could do is talk to Baz about any of this. She’d undoubtedly hurt his feelings and make him feel uncomfortable, discussing his private life with someone, and possibly even sad; and that outweighs the wrongness of telling her about him being gay.

”I will tell you something but you have to promise not to let anyone know about it.”

”Okay,” she agrees but I don’t think Penny understands how serious I am here.

”Promise, Penny. Not to anyone. It’s important,” I press.

Finally she gives me a long contemplating look and I can see it in her eyes that she’s _actually_ paying attention now.

”Simon, we tell each other everything.”

”Please, Penny. Just promise,” I press my point further.

”Fine, I _promise_. Do you want me to swear it with magic?” She looks serious now and I believe her, of course. Penny would never betray me.

”No. I trust you.”

”Then just tell me whatever it is and I will bring it with me to the grave and won’t even tell anyone when I come through the Veil when I’m dead,” she looks too intense declaring that. 

I think Penny means it and that’s a bit scary to think how she’s _already_ planning on what to say when or if she comes through the Veil one day...

But that’s beside the point here. 

I take a deep breath and silently apologies to Baz for revealing his private information to my best friend.

”Baz was on a date with a bloke,” I finally say and wait for her reaction. I hope even Penny will have enough tact and won’t harass Baz about ”obligations” now that I’ve told her.

And just like that all the worry washes off her face in an instance. It seems to have been the right thing to tell her this.

”That changes things, of course. It’s not like they can have children.”

”Sure,” I agree, not particularly interested in discussing the topic of what Baz and that bloke can and can not have. 

However, it seems as if Penny _is_ letting the matter go and that’s what’s important at the moment. 

Or so I thought, because now Penny looks like she’s about to continue...

I can’t catch a break can I? (It’s my own fault for starting this conversation in the first place.)

”They’d need a surrogate. Maybe Trixie and Keris and Baz could come to some sort of agreement. They help him and he helps them in return, without anyone watering down their magic. That could work.”

I don’t feel comfortable imagining that kind of scenario. I really don’t want the three of them to be making those kinds of plans… Not that it’s any of my business, of course…

I also can’t help but wonder if Baz _can_ have children since he’s a vampire. I’m surprised Penny hasn’t thought about that herself. It’s probably because she still doesn’t believe that he’s a vampire. I’m not going to bring that to her attention.

”They were only on a date. No one is talking about marriage, Penny,” I say and hope for it to be true. ”Besides, that’s not what bothers me — _the bleeding out of magic_.” I roll my eyes on that last part.

”Oh, I’m sorry, Simon. What bothers you?”

”That Baz is dating a Normal.”

Penny just looks at me, confused. ”But you just said…”

Oh… I guess I get how she misunderstood me earlier.

”I didn’t mean it like that. I mean Baz made fun of me for being a Normal and now he’s on a _date_ with one and that makes me mad,” I clarify.

”In Basil’s defence he never called you a Normal, Simon — that’s just Agatha,” she says, and I shrug at that. 

”But you’re not mad at _her_ for that are you?” Penny asks because she notices too much.

”No, I don’t care what Agatha thinks,” I tell her because it’s true. I think I never did, not really. (I felt untouchable in her proximity, that doesn’t mean I valued her opinion of me.)

I cared in general what everyone at school thought about me. 

Everyone in the Normal world steers clear of me if they can. Penny says they sense my power and instinctively shy away. Like dogs who won’t make eye contact with their masters. 

At the care homes the Normals and I were forced to be in very close proximity and they were never kind to me. 

It works the opposite with magicians. They love the smell of magic.

I just wanted _someone_ to like me. At this point there's no use pretending I don’t know who I’m thinking of exactly.

But Baz is immune to my magic. Not that I want him to like me because of my magic alone. Penny likes me for who I am and maybe even despite my magic. (Sometimes I think it’s undoubtedly despite.)

”You’re still mad at Basil even though he never called you a Normal.” It’s not a question so I don’t answer.

If Baz doesn’t hate me because he thinks I’m a Normal, why does he hate me then? 

Have I done _anything_ to offend him? 

Alright, I may have done a few things…

Breaking his nose probably didn’t help either. But he did push me down the stairs. 

I mean he had to, right? That was my first clue he was trying to kill me. Baz pushing me down the stairs is what made me hate him or wanting to hate him at least...

We were fighting on the top of the stairs and then he pushed me. Now that I really think about it, he didn’t flat out _push_ me. 

I punched him, he punched me and I flew down the stairs. _He never pushed me…_

Was that an accident? Have I been certain Baz wants me dead and then broke his nose over an accident?

Another thought keeps emerging in my mind. Baz has always punched me as hard as I punched him. 

Shouldn’t he be stronger than that since he’s a _vampire_?

I’m not sure I have any energy left to second guess his behaviour. Baz hates me and that’s that...

”He always makes fun of you, Simon. That’s who he is,” Penny states it as the most common thing, as if that explains everything.

”He never makes fun of anyone else at school,” I say in defiance. 

Penny looks at me in a way I positively loathe — as if she’s trying to gaze into my soul. (I prefer to keep what’s inside buried deep down, thank you very much.)

”Why do you _really_ care what Basil thinks or says?” She asks and I can see concern in her eyes and some suspicion.

”I never said I did,” I answer but I know she isn’t going to believe me. Not when I keep feeling those stupid tears in my eyes threatening to spill over once again. 

All these questions are making everything worse… I’m regretting this whole conversation. 

I should never have told her anything. Instead, I should have gone straight up to the top of Mummers House — to our room, taken a nap and forgotten everything that worried me just like I normally did.

However, I haven’t done that and it’s too late now — I can’t pretend any longer.

Penny must have noticed the tears because she steps closer and hugs me. (She’s the only one who does that.) I’m not good with hugging but she’s good enough for the both of us.

” _Simon_ , I’m so sorry...” Penny figured it out. Of course she did, she’s too smart.

Those four words somehow make everything so final — the date, what I’m feeling, everything — I end up breaking down right in front of her. 

I hate that, all of it. I hate that I’m in love with someone who despises me…

”Yeah, me too,” I try to speak through my tears and feel her arms try to hug me harder. Penny’s tiny, but her love is vast and she saves most of it for me.

  
  
  
  



	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’ve been having a little bit of fun with mimicing iOS text messages. Just in case, I added them in End notes if for some reason they aren’t visible on your device. 💙
> 
> * * *

# BAZ

I’m doing my damndest to ignore Snow’s presence which isn’t an easy deed. However, he leaves eventually and gifts me with some room for breathing.

When I feel my mobile vibrate, I give my date an apologetic look.

”I’m sorry, Alex. It’s most likely my aunt. I need to check my mobile.”

Alex nods, ”Not at all.”

The message is indeed from Fiona and I answer instantly before she barges in and makes a scene.

Fiona  
  
**Today** 15:12  
I’m parked outside.   
Be right there in a moment.   
**Read** 15:13

”She’s already here, I need to go,” I say as I put my mobile away. I’m at a loss because I never left a date so abruptly before. I’ve never been on a date, to begin with...

”I walk you out,” Alex offers and stands up.

We walk outside together. Alex opens the door for me and I’m not sure how I feel about that.

It’s sweet. He’s being sweet to me, he’s been acting in that way towards me since the day we met.

I don’t feel emasculated by having someone open a door for me — I feel appreciated. It’s a gesture of good intentions, albeit old fashioned. But perhaps I’m a bit old fashioned despite my age…

However, I’m not used to being treated in this manner, I hardly know what to do with it...

The rain has stopped and I try to see that as a good omen. Alex talks about good luck and omens a lot. But then again he sees good in most things, after all, he sees good in me.

I’m trying to convince myself that I deserve that, but do I really? Is Snow right? Am I too much of a monster to get a happily ever after?

Sure, I’ve never hurt anyone but perhaps that doesn’t really matter. Who’s to say that being who I am is not enough to be already condemned to hell?

”Thank you for today,” I say and try to figure out what the protocol of the first date dictates on doing next during goodbyes.

Kissing seems too forward. Shaking hands seems too formal…

”I’m the one who should be saying that, Baz. Thank you for agreeing,” he smiles at me.

”I’m glad I did. I had a lovely time, Alex,” I admit and it’s the truth even if Snow managed to seize it with his anger and disgust for a while.

”May I give you a hug?” Alex asks.

I guess _that's_ the protocol for the first date. Good to know. I’ve been learning a lot of new things as of late.

”Yes,” I say and feel nervous.

I’m not used to hugging. I’m not a lovable person, people have no reason to hug me. I’m also a vampire. (I did hunt enough though, I won’t be tempted.)

The hug _feels_ nice though. It’s my first time hugging someone who isn’t family.

Alex is letting me in, despite what I am. (He doesn’t know what I am but I’d never bite him.)

”And just so you know, Baz. I’m not planning on keeping up with the three days rule. I’m going to text you later tonight.”

I’m not sure what he means by that exactly. I’ll need to ask Fiona about this.

Still, I don’t want to be rude. ”I will respond to your text in a timely manner,” I was going for flirty, not sure I succeeded.

However, Alex chuckles and waves me goodbye, ”I’ll talk to you soon, Baz.”

”I’d like that. Goodbye, Alex,” I answer and smile because it’s the truth. I like him. I wish I liked him more but I do like him.

As soon as I get in the car, Fiona is ready with her questions. I didn’t expect anything less from her. She must have seen us hug.

”Basil. Have you met a bloke?”

”Yes, ” I state proud because I did and he likes me — _me_.

”Tell me everything,” she demands and I do.

I haven’t felt this at ease for a very long time. I know that it won't last. I know that the bitter reality of my life will settle in sooner rather than later.

But for once, I let myself have something good. In this case, telling Fiona everything about Alex, how we met, the date, everything.

I spare no details because I know my aunt loves me and I trust her, and she supports me no matter what. She’s my only support system.

Unfortunately, the conversation did not stay easy for long.

Fiona gives me a serious look.

”You know, Basil. It’d be alright if things get _serious_ between the two of you.”

”What that’s supposed to mean?”

”If the two of you marry, it won’t make you a race traitor.”

” _Excuse_ me?”

”You can’t have any children because of your condition, so it doesn’t matter who you marry.”

”Is that why you date Normals because you don’t want to have children?” I ask her both because I want to steer this conversation away from myself and because I am curious to know.

We never talked about this before — family, children...

”Basil, I already have enough headache with you alone. There’s simply no more space for more juvenile behaviour in my life.” My aunt knows how to joke away any serious conversation.

I guess she doesn’t feel comfortable talking about the topic. I don’t want her to feel pressured. Let's go back to discussing my miserable life then...

”I could never do that, Fiona — marry Alex or any Normal. I’d have to hide who I am for the rest of my life.”

It was one date and I’m still in love with Simon bloody Snow, I don’t say that out loud.

She gives me a pitiful look, ”You’d still need to do that — to hide who you are, boyo if you marry one of us.”

As if I don’t know that… Not that it matters…

”A Normal bloke might be safer, you know,” she adds as an afterthought.

”Safer?”

”He won’t sell you out to the Coven if he ever finds out who you are. You’d be in less danger because you can never be truly safe with one of us.”

Safe… As if that’s what I really care about…

Fiona isn’t finished I can see but this conversation is getting less comfortable by the minute.

”I don’t want to talk about it anymore.” I try to state this as firmly as possible.

She sighs heavily. My aunt cares too much.

”Just think about it. I’m not saying you should marry the first bloke you meet. But think about it.”

”I’m not going to marry out of fear,” I say and think how I’m not going to marry out of love either and isn’t that just grand.

I should do what my aunt does — never marry.

”I wouldn't want you to either. Besides, you don’t _need_ to worry too much about the Coven.”

”What do you mean?”

”If the Coven finds out about you and snaps your wand, I have Father’s ring hidden somewhere safe — his magickal ring. You’ll have it instead.”

”You have Grandfather’s ring? Why didn’t I know about this?”

”No one does. Everyone thinks it’s lost. I made sure of that, just in case, after…”

She means after my mother was killed and I was turned into a vampire.

I wonder where she's hidden it? The Mage has taken away all of our magickal artefacts.

* * *

By the time we’re at Fiona's, any happy spirit I had is gone. My interruption with Snow is all too fresh in my mind and I can’t push it away.

Fiona has a spare room I use any time I visit during the summer. I get inside, spell the room silent proof and sob for a good hour or two.

I always knew Simon Snow could never love me. However, it's different from seeing the look of disgust on his face.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve lived seven years with that look.

But there’s a fundamental difference.

He’d look at me like that because I made fun of him in class, and made fun of him in general.

However that was only a role I had to play, it wasn’t the real me. It didn’t matter how he reacted.

But this time it’s different.

Snow is disgusted by the _real_ me.

I can’t change who I am, I didn’t choose this.

Life would have been much easier if I wasn’t queer.

I’d find a nice girl and my father would be happy. Everyone would be happy.

I never chose this. And when I get back to our room I will see his judging gaze, that’d say there’s something wrong with me.

I myself don’t feel like there is anything wrong with me. Not because I’m queer at least. I wish I didn’t need to come back. But I do. Mother would have been disappointed if I didn’t finish my final year.

When I finally come out (no pun intended), Fiona is smoking at the kitchen table.

”Give me that,” I tell her and reach for the fag.

”For Christ’s sake, be careful with that, Basil,” she shrieks but lets go of it.

”I know what I’m doing.”

I wasn’t lying when I told Alex that I had a great time. I did. Still doesn’t erase the fact that I will be going back to school on Sunday evening and facing _Snow_.

One way or another I will get over him. Rome wasn’t built in one day as Normals say. (Did I live too long with Snow to remember this saying?)

Alex stayed true to his world and texted me a few hours later.

Alex  
  
**Today** 21:23  
Hi, Baz. I hope the evening with your aunt is going well. I had a great time today. (Hot Beverage )   
Alex, hi. So did I. Yes, we’re having a late dinner. My aunt asks a lot of questions. (face with monocle)   
I hope nothing bad.(Face With Tears Of Joy )   
Not in the slightest. 

This text gave me inspiration for an idea and I want to try it out when going to bed.

I’m going to wank while thinking about Alex. I’m not sure I can. But I want to try.

Perhaps wanking to the thoughts of Simon Snow couldn’t cure me of my love for him and getting him out of my system. However, possibly I needed to wank thinking about someone else…

Alex...

Kind, compassionate, handsome _Alex_.

* * *

That was a complete disaster. I couldn’t do it.

Images of blue eyes and bronze curls took over and I felt ashamed of myself after. Snow is not the only person whom I disgust — I feel that towards myself as well.

Sometimes it’s a wonder I manage to look in the mirror without cringing with revulsion. I’m everything that isn’t decent — a vampire, a disappointment to my mother and my father and currently I’m a wrong person to date as well.

I’m imagining bloody Snow when I should be imagining Alex — kind and sweet and understanding and handsome.

And now all I can think about is how much I hate myself for loving Snow.

When Fiona drives me back to school, I’m dreading to face him. I’m worried because I’m not sure how to act around him. I don’t want to see the disgust in his eyes directed at me.

I take a deep breath, settle my face and open the door to our room.

Snow is in the room but he isn’t meeting my eyes. His cheeks flush a lovely scarlet when I enter. Except it’s not lovely because they’re flushed with anger and disgust...

I feel a sudden ache in my chest. I’m not quite sure if that’s better. If he were to say something terrible to me, perhaps I’d be able to hate him. I want to hate him, with all my undead heart.

He already told me I was _all wrong_ and I yet can’t manage to let him go.

I will. One way or another. One day I will look back at this and laugh, and by that, I don’t mean a bitter laugh, no I’m talking about a genuine laugh.

I’m kidding myself, of course. I won’t live that long — that’d be the story of my life — to die prematurely from a stab wound to the heart delivered by his hand.

I don’t care if Snow is going to tell the whole school about me being queer. I only ever cared what one person thought — Snow himself.

No one can hurt me the way he’s capable. Nothing can truly touch me except for him.

_Simon bloody Snow._

I’m powerless when it comes to him and it’s not his magic that is the biggest threat to me. It’s his eyes charged with revulsion. My mere existence provokes disdain in him.

Nonetheless, it might be prudent to talk to my friends in case Snow will be telling people. I want to be the one to tell them.

”I went on a date this weekend,” I annonce to Niall and Dev as I enter their room.

”What’s his name?” Dev exclaims and stops me right in my tracks.

Niall glares at him, ”Maybe give Baz time to tell us on his own, why don’t you?”

I’m grateful to Niall more than ever.

”What? You think we don’t know. Everything about you practically screams gay.”

” _I beg your pardon._ ”

Niall throws Dev an angry look, ”What Dev was trying to say in his own way is that we appreciate you telling us whatever you want to tell us — no more, no less.”

Dev rolls his eyes and continues completely unbothered by the interruption, ”Oh, there’s definitely more. Never once have you told us you were interested in a girl, except for messing with Snow _and_ you smell too nice.”

”I'd prefer you don’t smell me, Dev. And perhaps try and restrain yourself from walking around smelling other people either…”

”Baz, tell us about your date and completely disregard your cousin,” Niall has an uncanny ability to act as if Dev never spoke.

”I wouldn't have it any other way,” I smirk because in truth at least half of what Dev says should not be taken seriously.

”His name is Alex. We met at the library in London,” I explain.

Dev chuckles at that, ”Of course you did. What did you do on your date? Compare notes on Jane Austen?”

Niall throws a pen at Dev and meets him right in the forehead and smirks.

That makes Dev complain,” Oh, sod _off_ , Niall. I was joking… mostly.”

I’m sure he’s referring to my fascination with Pride and Prejudice.

”We did in fact _not_ talk about Jane Austen. Alex is more of a Shakespearean fan. He can quote more than _one_ useful part from Hamlet, and he quotes them all accurately too,” I raise my eyebrow at Dev and dare him to say anything else.

That shuts him up once and for all on the topic. He got an extremely low mark on his essay on that subject and was misspelling the phrases and therefore rendering each spell useless.

Dev huffs and goes a bit red but still continues, ”Tell us more about this mysterious gentleman caller of yours? When will we get to meet him?”

”How about never? Would it suffice?”

”Oh, Baz. Are embarrassed by us?” he asks.

Niall sneers at him: ”Speak for yourself, Dev.”

My cousin is not letting it go though, ”We could go to the movies next weekend or do something boring instead that _you’d_ like. Any nerd conventions around?”

”I don’t think they’ll let you in, Dev. You’d need better marks for that,” I’m joking but he doesn’t know that.

Dev acts as if I haven’t spoken and whines, ”Baz…”

” _I_ will be meeting Alex for a second date this upcoming weekend — on Saturday to be precise before going to Fiona’s.”

”Weekend after that then, yeah?” he presses.

”Baz, he probably keeps at it until you agree, ” Niall states what is an accurate assessment...

”I’d have to ask Alex first if he’ll be alright with it. And I’m not sure if there’ll be more dates,” I admit self consciously.

That makes Niall huff, ”You’re a catch, Baz. There’ll be plenty of dates.”

”Well, you're not exactly bad boy material,” Dev chips in, not very helpfully.

”Pardon me? I can be a bad boy.” I'm trying to be outraged by this.

”Oh, my dear Basil. Your interpretation of a bad boy is ’What would Mr. Darcy do?’,” Dev lets out and adds,” And that, Cousin, isn't a bad boy attitude.”

”That’s not true. I also deeply identify with both Gerges and the Count of Monte Cristo of Alexander Dumas.”

However, my point might be lost on Dev…

* * *

After a second coffee date with Alex when I was the one to hug _him_ (I’d call that rapid progress), I was still unsure if anything ever would come out of it.

Would he even want another date with me?

However, at the end of that weekend I got another message from Alex.

Alex  
  
**Today** 19:18  
Hi, Baz. I’m assuming you’re back at school.   
Hi, Alex. Yes. Fiona dropped me off half an hour ago.   
There’s a Bushey Museum and Art Gallery near Watford. (Artist Palette )(Frame With Picture )(House Buildings ) Have you been?   
No. I didn’t not have the pleasure yet.   
Would you like to go there with me?   
I’d love to. What day did you have in mind?   
The upcoming weekend unless you have other plans.   
Perfect. (Upside-Down Face )   
**Read** 19:35

* * *

Alex and I have been on quite a few dates and we did end up going to the movies as well — the four of us.

”He’s a nice bloke, Baz. And he likes you, I can tell,” Niall beams at me afterwards.

”Alex _is_ nice,” I say but don't add how I wish I liked him more than I do, that I would like him and him alone and not be in love with a person who’ll kill me one day...

The person I’m forced to face every day.

* * *

We’ve developed a kind of routine, Snow and I. As soon as I arrive back at the end of the weekend, Snow leaves the room and doesn’t come back until after I go to sleep.

During the week, I spend most of my time in the library with the lads. Then I leave for the Catacombs. Snow never tries to follow me anymore. When I come back, he pretends to sleep.

Fine, have it your way, Snow! Pretend I don’t exist.

I don’t cry in our bedroom late at night, not like I spent years doing. I’m too worried he’ll notice. Instead, I cry my eyes out every night at the Catacombs. And then in the morning, I pretend everything is perfect, just perfect.

Fucking fantastic!

I have been struggling with how to act around Snow now that everything's out in the open. Well, not everything.

As luck has it, he doesn’t know I’m in love with him. Snow will never know. I don’t need more looks of disgust going my way. One was more than enough.

Snow ignores me and I try my best to ignore him right back. I don’t make fun of him in class, I don’t engage him.

I miss it, the ”being connected” to him. That was our only interaction, that was all I could ever get out of him — his _anger_.

He was willing to give me that at least. And I took it and enjoyed the little attention he would deem fit to grant me.

It’s gone now — the attention. I miss it. I miss him and then I hate myself just a little bit more. And then I think about how I’ve met a lovely boy that likes me and how I shouldn’t be thinking about Snow at all.

Alex told me I could talk about it — Snow, with him. But now that we’re dating I don’t feel comfortable bringing that up. It wouldn’t be fair to Alex.

I don’t have anyone to talk about this with. If I told Fiona, she’ll try to kill him for breaking my heart and will end up dead.

I can’t tell my friends either.

What if they’ll try to say something to him, what if they’ll get hurt? Snow is too dangerous. He’s the nuclear option. If he wants he can annihilate all of us in one swift move.

It doesn’t take much to set him off. Usually, it’s me — Snow reacts to me in this manner. I need to shield people from that. It’s my responsibility since I happen to be the soar eye for Snow.

There’s no one I can talk to. I wish we had a counsellor as they have at Normal schools. Alex says they help a lot of students. Alex and I are the same age and yet he is so more you could say _worldly_ than me.

He knows things about life that are entirely foreign to me, like with the counsellors for example. And they aren’t allowed to tell anyone, it’s all confidential.

If I were to go to a Normal school I could tell a counsellor about my feelings to Snow and maybe they would cure me. Is that how it works? Do they cure love or any other mental disease?

* * *

”Come on, you don’t need to walk. I’d gladly give you a ride to school,” Alex offers after our date. I decided to spend the weekend at school and see if I can get over my fear of being trapped in a room with Snow.

Alex and I went to Warford’s botanical gardens for our date. (It was chilly but I dressed properly and his hand was warm against mine.) He likes nature as much as I do. Life is precious.

Snow doesn't care about that — nature, life. He’d destroy anything in his path if the Mage tells him to, he _will_ destroy us. Aren’t we “life” as well?

Well, not me personally since I’m half dead, but the rest of the people — alive and breathing, with hopes and dreams of their own. But we don’t deserve a place in the Mage's world, he chooses who gets to live and who doesn’t...

”Thank you,” I’m constantly amazed by Alex’s kindness. He’s incredibly kind to me. Granted he doesn’t know that I’m a vampire.

”May I kiss you?” Alex asks when we’re at the gates. (He walked me from the car.)

”Yes,” I breath out nervously and feel a blush creeping up my cheeks. (I’ve been drinking a lot of blood before each date.)

Alex takes my hand and I get even more nervous because despite what I just told him I’m not sure I’m ready for that. But he leans in and gives me a gentle peck on my cheek.

I liked that. It felt nice and it wasn’t too much.

He looks me in the eyes with that sincerity I’m so fond of, ”I like you, Baz — a lot.”

”I like you too, Alex,” I say truthfully because I _do_ like him.

He’s kind and handsome and patient. We’ve been going out for weeks and he hasn’t tried to pressure me even once.

Even now, Alex kissed me on the cheek. I assume that was for my benefit. He knows I’ve never dated anyone before him.

Alex is everything anyone would want in someone they date.

He’s not Snow and I try very hard not to think about that — _him_.

We’re standing by the entrance now. Anyone can see us if they were to look. I don’t care. The only person who could truly hurt me already did that. I couldn’t care less what the rest of them think…

I wait for Alex to drive away before entering the gates.

That’s when I see Premal Bunce — one of the Mage’s men.

I don’t think I’m going to avoid a confrontation. He speaks before I get to move along, ”What, no one wants you here so you’re trying your luck with a _Normal_? The Old Families have finally hit rock-bottom charming Normals.”

It won’t do me any good to get into an argument and yet, I sneer against my better judgment, ”There's nothing wrong with that. Besides, no money in the world could buy you any charm, especially with what you’re up to.”

”We’re doing important work,” He spits out.

Important work? Raiding houses, intimidating us — that’s the important work?

Keeping a lid on my feelings turns out to be more difficult than I thought, ”Oh, I’m sorry I wasn’t aware that stealing enchanted furniture and tricklets from people is as important as defeating the Humdrum… My apologies, my understanding of priorities must be all twisted.”

I see the first punch coming long before it reaches my face, but there's nothing I can do about it.

Yes, theoretically I could have defended myself. Even if I don’t really know how to fight, I could have snapped his neck with the slightest movement of my wrist. I’m stronger than any human.

However, I’m not foolish enough to think that if I fought back against one of the Mage’s men it would have gone unnoticed.

The best case scenario is they suspend me or lock me up in a tower as they did to one of my cousins over the summer.

If the latter were to happen, Fiona would undoubtedly do something stupid and get herself killed, Father might get a heart attack, Daphne would worry too much and Alex will think I forgot all about him.

I can’t afford to punch Premal Bunce back, even at human strengths.

And I think possibly I want to be beaten up.

I need to get all this pain out one way or another… Snow, my father… That is the pain that hurts…

This — half a dozen punches or so — it means nothing… Makes me feel both more _and_ less all at the same time...

I don’t want to deal with any of this. I want to go someplace where no one knows me, where I can be myself without people constantly judging me…

He didn't hit me that much anyway… No broken bones.

I stumble into our room a bit banged up, with a black eye and a bloody face and of course, Snow just had to be there.

”What the hell, Baz?” He shouts eyes full of horror.

Oh, is Snow angry with me for getting into an argument with one of the Mage’s men?

I drop my voice to a menace. ”That’s none of your business.”

”I saw the two of you,” he screams again.

”So?” I sneer at him. This is the last thing I need right now.

"Did... Did _he_ do it to you?" Snow spits out.

If by him he means the Mage's loyal dog Premal Bunce and wants me to admit I was wrong to speak freely, I won't let him have it.

Yes, I'm well aware that in our world — the World of Mages — freedom of speech doesn't exist anymore. Regardless, I won’t tolerate this from _Snow_.

Because this is a thousand times worse than getting punched by some militia lackey. Right this moment I take any hits from anyone instead of experiencing Snow telling me how I'm in the wrong here.

"Even if he did then what?"

”You just _can’t_ do that, Baz. _It’s not okay!_ ”

Of course, it’s my fault for getting punched… because I deserve that…Because as long as it’s me — it’s acceptable.

I should be a pushing bag for anyone who wants because I’m not human. That’s my rightful place isn’t it? That’s what he thinks and sometimes that’s exactly what I think as well… because of what I am...

But not today. I won’t give him the satisfaction.

”Sod off, Snow. I will do as I wish. I’m in no mood for your self righteous antics.”

He looks absolutely livid and confused for some unknown reason, ”But-”

I take out my wand, point toward Snow and cast **_”Cat got your tongue!”_ ** before I hear another accusation coming from his mouth.

I leave, take out my mobile and call Fiona.

Since I’ve been frequenting her flat lately, she started to keep her mobile charged and sound on at all times.

I hear her voice through the speaker almost immediately. ”What’s wrong?”

”Can you pick me up? I’ll be at the café.”

”One hour,” she replies hurriedly.

I’m glad Fiona will be here shortly. I don’t have any desire to be out in the open alone. I don’t want to face other people. I don’t want to face myself either...

I'm not even trying to conceal my distress. It won’t work. Snow got under my skin — _again_.

All I do is lose.

There's no way out of this pain is there? Snow has sneaked a tumour of pain inside my undead heart and is pulling on the strings each time in a different way to inflict the most damage, to break me _more thoroughly_.

Does he take pleasure in that? Has the Mage turned him into that kind of person already?

I can’t help but wonder what he’ll break next inside of me…

Maybe he should just kill me already. Why wait for the grand battle he's been dreaming about for seven years? It’d save me loads of suffering if he were to kill me now.

Unless that _is_ the reason. Does Snow want me to squirm under his thumb before he shoves his sword through my undead heart?

Am I to become a lesson, a cautionary tale for others to never cross the Mage and his men?

When I’m finally out through the gates it’s a bit easier to breathe but I’m still too agitated and anxious. I need to get my mind off this whole ordeal so I take out my mobile and text Alex. I haven’t even noticed that my hands are trembling and there are tears in my eyes.

Alex  
  
**Today** 16:14  
Alex. Thank you for today. I had a wonderful time.(Deciduous Tree )(Herb )(Umbrella )

* * *

As soon as I press send guilt coils deep down inside me. I’m using Alex, taking advantage of his kindness. I’m making myself feel better by writing to him, by being with him.

I like him but is that enough when I can never fall in love with him?

I’m not being fair to Alex and I don’t deserve his attention...

* * *

Fiona starts with her interrogation as soon as I get in the car.

”Who did this to you, Basil?”

”It doesn’t matter,” I won't put my aunt in danger over a few bruises that are going to be healed soon enough.

”It bloody well matters. I need _names_.”

If I knew she’d make such a fuss about it I would never have called her. My aunt keeps telling me how being a Pitch means I can survive anything and here she is fretting about a few scrapes.

”Forget about it.”

” _Now_ , Basil!” She’s angry and worried but I can’t tell her.

”No! Just drop it!” I try to plead with her.

”Was it the Chosen One? I’ll do more than **Stand your ground** to him next time I see him. I’m going to curse him so his own mother won’t recognize him. Oh, he hasn’t gotten one. Well, the little Bunce won’t recognize him then.”

”It wasn’t _him_ , Fiona.”

”Tell me who it was then,” She presses.

”Fiona. I was in a bad mood so I provoked a fight.” Since it’s not exactly a lie, I could get away with swearing to it with magic if she’d ask me to.

But it wasn’t why I spoke up to the arsehole. I was fed up with everything — how they steal our personal belongings, not only expensive or magickal artefacts but also the ones of sentimental value, that aren’t worth any money or power...

I think the Mage and his men take special pleasure in taking those things from us, trying to break us. Perhaps they think we’ll go away if they keep at it.

The truth is I wish I did that — went away. Not because of the Mage and his men, I couldn't care less about how they treat me. Their opinion means nothing either since no one can hate me as much as I do myself and no one can torture my undead heart as much as Snow does.

In comparison to that, the Mage and his men are but insignificant white noise that has no hold on me whatsoever.

No, it’s because of Snow I want to disappear, which is just overly pitiful… That's what I am — meaningless wreckage of life, not that I’m alive strictly speaking.

Fiona raises her eyebrow at me and tries to read my face, ”Are you telling me the truth?”

”Yes. Want me to swear with magic?”

She sighs. ”I trust you, boyo. Who can one trust if not family...” and then adds, ”You’d tell me if someone was after you? You know I can’t lose you too. You’re my favourite nephew.”

”I’m your _only_ nephew.” I try to raise my eyebrow at her but my face hurts too much. I will need to cast some healing spells on myself as soon as we’re at the flat.

”Doesn't matter. You’d still been my favourite. Never forget that, Basil. Even if you’re a stubborn brat or maybe because of that… It’s probably because of that...”

”I’m not a brat.”

”You are, Basil and I love you for that.”

* * *

When I return back to school on Sunday evening, Premal Bunce is glaring at me just as I step through the gates.

He looks like he was beaten to a bloody pulp. He must have cast healing spells on himself by now and yet he still looks like that, it’s shocking.

Who has he gotten into a fight with? A herd of magickal feral dogs?

I can’t help but wonder if that’s what Alex was referring to as ”karma”. Normals have a very interesting view on life.

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Text messages:**
> 
> **Fiona:** I’m outside.  
>  **Me:** Be right there in a moment.
> 
> * * *
> 
>  **Alex:** Hi, Baz. I hope the evening with your aunt is going well. I had a great time today. ☕️  
>  **Me:** Hi, Alex. So did I. Yes, we’re having a late dinner. My aunt asks a lot of questions. 🧐  
>  **Alex:** I hope it’s nothing bad.😂  
>  **Me:** Not in the slightest.
> 
> * * *
> 
>  **Alex:** Hi, Baz. I’m assuming you’re back at school.  
>  **Me:** Hi, Alex. Yes. Fiona dropped me off half an hour ago.  
>  **Alex:** There’s a Bushey Museum and Art Gallery 🎨🖼🏘 near Watford. Have you been?  
>  **Me:** No. I didn’t not have the pleasure yet.  
>  **Alex:** Would you like to go there with me?  
>  **Me:** I’d love to. What day did you have in mind?  
>  **Alex:** The upcoming weekend unless you have other plans.  
>  **Me:** Perfect.🙃
> 
> * * *
> 
>  **Me:** Alex. Thank you for today. I had a wonderful time.🌳🌿☂️


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is written for COC 2020 Day 15, DEC 9: Hurt/Comfort.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dear reader. I am very late with an update. Some of you have been waiting for so long. 💙💙💙 
> 
> I'm so sorry this won't be happy news.
> 
> I have no idea what will happen with this fic. Originally in my outline, I planned to write a scene with alcohol and it was vital to the ending of this story, plot-vice. 
> 
> But the truth is that alcohol is a _triggering_ _topic_ for me for various reasons. I've been trying to work through it. 
> 
> In ”Were you ever here?” I have written a scene with low key alcohol. (Same level as book one Carry On.) It worked that time.
> 
> However, my mental health has deteriorated _so much_ due to deepened depression, quarantine, complete isolation and four deaths in the last year (three since summer), that I don't think I will be able to write this scene. 
> 
> Unfortunately, I struggle with making alterations to my outline. I have autism and OCD and any slight change sends me into panic and anxiety. 
> 
> At the same time, _I_ _have_ _to_ finish this story, because I struggle with abandoning things - it gives me too much anxiety. 
> 
> So even though I write fanfiction to ease some of my anxiety and work through various personal traumas, certain things can still be very hard. 
> 
> I think I will need _a lot of time_ to figure out how this story can still work, to be able to adjust the outline with as little stress as possible to my mental health and remove the alcohol scene completely. 
> 
> That is why I am changing this fic to a **series** instead, in order to separate it in my mind somehow from the original idea. 
> 
> Dear reader, thank you for your patience and I hope you will like this chapter, if you choose to read it. 💙💙💙
> 
> * * *

# SIMON 

It's Sunday morning and Baz is still gone. Where did he stay the night? I keep imagining him with that bloke. I try not to. But it's pointless. Some thoughts are impossible to get out of my mind. 

It’s been a very hard time. I just want Baz back at Watford, in our room with me. Which is idiotic, innit? Baz hates me. He’ll never be _with_ me.

Eventually I give up and turn to Penny, “When do you think he'll be back?”

I don't need to explain who I'm talking about, not to Penny. I suppose I constantly bring Baz up in our conversations. Nothing has really changed. 

Except it did. There's no more quota on how much I'm allowed to talk about him. 

I'm not sure I want to do that — talk about Baz anymore. I just want to forget him even though I know I can't. And I am not sure I want to either. 

I don’t know what I want. _Baz_. I want Baz.

You have to pretend that you get an endgame. You have to carry on like you will; otherwise, you can’t carry on at all. 

That's what I always thought anyway. Back when that notion was so abstract that I thought it might just happen, if I do everything that is expected from me. 

And yet there was nothing I truly wanted, consciously anyway. (I never let myself want Baz.)

I'm not used to that — the _want_. It's a feeling for others. Never me.

Sure I’d dream up all these possible scenarios I realistically knew would never happen. To me, that is. 

Future...that’s for other people too. Everything good is _always_ only for others.

Penny gives me a small smile. It's an unusual behaviour for her. She is quite bossy on any given day. I must look like a complete mess then. 

“I overheard Dev and Niall say he's spending the weekend at his aunt’s in London.”

“Oh… Good then,” I take a gulp of my tea. It tastes like rubbish. _Everything_ does.

Have they kissed already? Baz and that overly cheerful puppy-like bloke. Who acts like that? 

He isn't even fit, that git. I hate him with all my heart already. I wish bad, violent things on him. Except I don't. I wouldn't want to hurt Baz.

I wait in our room for him. 

When Baz re-emerges in the afternoon, I can’t really look him in the eyes. Worried that he’d know that I’m in love with him. Worried that I can't keep it in; that I’d just burst and tell him _everything_. 

When Baz passes me by, I can feel a faint scent of cedar and bergamot — of _him_. I feel my cheeks flush. I was wrong in wishing for his return. 

Merlin, it’s going to be hell to be around him from now on.

I don’t know what to say to Baz exactly, so I say nothing instead. 

It doesn't matter, not like he even cares what I have to say to him…

He leaves the room shortly after. Probably to see his minions or maybe to hunt. 

* * *

It’s been weeks. Baz goes out of his way to avoid me. Like I’m the plague. No, worse even — like _I don't exist_. 

He doesn't make fun of me in class either. I miss that — his mocking at our table where I and Penny sit. At least that was something. 

He also only mocked me. Baz was never condescending to Penny. 

He has always said that she’s too intelligent and deserves respect on that basis alone. And she is of course intelligent, alongside Baz. 

If there was a school for gifted magicians, Penny and Baz would go there. They are too smart for a mediocre education, as Penny calls it, that Watford has to offer. 

But the Mage says if we were to have a school for brilliant magicians, we couldn’t have a school for the rest because there are no resources for both. 

The Mage says the Coven has no money and the Old Families are holding on to everything and don’t share any of theirs. 

Every Sunday as soon as Baz returns from his aunt and I'm assuming another date, I leave and don't come back until I'm sure Baz went to sleep. 

During the week, he’s mostly at the library with his friends before he heads for the Catacombs to feed. I don't follow him anymore. 

And yet this is so much worse than fifth year. I was so angry back then…but I'm heartbroken now. 

When Baz is back from the Catacombs, I always pretend to sleep. I can't face him. 

I try not to look at him either. Unless I'm sure Baz can't see me. 

Back then I could at least pretend it was because I didn’t trust him… 

Now I know better. Which makes it worse. Baz goes on a lot of dates. 

It’s the same bloke every time...

I don’t even know his name. I’ve heard Baz talk about him to Dev and Niall once at the library before he noticed _my_ presence and went quiet. Like I’m some feral dog who he can’t look in the eyes or I’ll attack otherwise… 

I mean sure, that’s pretty much how I’ve been acting for Merlin knows how long. But we’re both grown up now, haven’t we?

Baz treats me like a void. Like I’m nothing. But he’s dating a Normal bloke, not even a posh one. What does _he_ have that I don’t? Baz… he has Baz.

They’ve been meeting every weekend. Must be serious…

Every time Baz is gone, I do something I shouldn't. I’ve been wanking a lot thinking about him. 

Yes, I’ve always done that, but I pretended it didn’t happen. I made sure not to think about it. And in any case I always knew Baz would never fall for someone like me.

But now — with everything so very vivid in my mind, I can’t pretend anymore…

I’m in love with Baz who’s dating someone and then I wank while thinking about his face and lips and hands. 

Frankly, I should be ashamed of myself. I don’t have it in me to be. 

I do worry he’ll know somehow and be disgusted with me. 

* * *

One Saturday when I’m on my way to the library, I accidentally see Baz and the bloke, outside of the gates, standing closely. 

When he leans towards Baz, I avert my eyes and leave for the Tower hurriedly. 

Bloody hell. I didn't want to see that — them kissing.

I try to calm down. 

Baz enters the room and I look up, startled from my thoughts. I didn't expect him to come back so soon. 

He's hurt. There’s blood everywhere and he stumbles. What happened? 

“What the hell, Baz?” I shout and can't believe my eyes. I'm so fucking angry. 

His voice is cold and cruel, not that I care about that. “That’s none of your business.” 

“I saw the two of you,” I scream again. How could that bloke do that to Baz? 

“So?” he sneers. 

“Did... Did _he_ do it to you?" I don't understand. How could this happen? Baz is a vampire. He’s strong. 

“Even if he did then what?" Baz can't allow people to treat him like that. He just can't. 

“You just _can’t_ do that, Baz. _It’s not okay!_ ”

“Sod off, Snow. I will do as I wish. I’m in no mood for your self righteous antics.”

What is that supposed to mean? I try to tell him. “But— ” 

Baz takes out his wand, points toward me and casts _**“Cat got your tongue!”**_ before I get to say anything more. I'm so stunned I didn't even see that coming.

And then Baz is gone.

I want to run after him. But I can't speak yet and there are a lot of things I _need_ to tell him. So I wait for the spell to wear off.

When I walk outside, I catch a glance of Penny’s older Brother. He’s a bit of a tosser. But he is one of the Mage’s men, so I trust him.

“Alright, Prem?” I call after him as I approach.

“Hiya, Simon.” He gives me a curt nod.

“Have you seen Baz? _Basil_. My roommate.”

“Oh yes, he left in a hurry, probably to cry to his boyfriend about his face.” He makes no sense. Baz’s boyfriend did that to Baz.

“What?” I ask.

Premal smirks before speaking. “He’s lucky I didn’t lock him in a Tower for speaking to me disrespectfully. The Old Families need to learn their place.”

“What are you talking about?” I’m too shocked to fully understand any of this. 

“I punched his pretty face a few times. It’s our time to call all the shots, am I right?”

I’m not sure what is happening to me at that moment. But I see red after that. 

He might be as powerful as Penny, but I have more magic than anyone… No magician can even touch me.

Premal’s face wasn’t pretty to begin with. I keep hearing his voice on a constant loop in my head. And all I can think about in this moment is that when I’m done with him, no one will ever see his face as even remotely _pretty_. 

I don’t know how, but I feel my magic infusing into my every punch. 

I’m fairly sure that no amount of healing spells will fix what I’m doing to him. 

Except I don’t care. I don’t care about anything else than to hurt him for what he did to Baz.

* * *

The next thing I remember is Penny dragging me from Premal, begging me not to kill him.

“You dare touch him again and I _will_ kill you,” I yell at him and let Penny lead me away.

We get to the Mummers. I’m still shaking when Penny leads me to my bed. I take a seat, she sits next to me.

I’m not sure how long it takes for me to calm down, to be able to speak again. Penny stays with me, holding my hand, keeping it from shaking.

“Baz didn’t even fight back against your brother,” I accuse, not sure whom exactly, Baz or Premal or Penny, anyone.

“Of course he didn’t,” Penny says but I'm not sure I’m even listening to her properly.

“We need to tell the Mage so Premal will be punished for this kind of behaviour,” I continue and then jerk my head up to her.

“What do you mean of course?”

“They’d lock him in a Tower if he did. My brother is one of the Mage’s men, Simon,” she sounds too calm. Why is she this calm? “He’s untouchable. Everyone is afraid of them, especially the Old Families.” 

“ _No_ , the Old Families are fighting against the Mage; bribing Coven members and setting traps for the Mage and his men. He told me so himself.

“Of course the Mage told you that, Simon.”

“You don’t think it’s true?”

Penny sighs, “I know it’s not.”

“Why would he do that?”

“Simon, the Mage can’t risk you turning against him. You’re stronger than any of us but you’re kind, you believe in right and wrong.”

“But that’s not— So he _lies_ to me?”

“ _Simon..._ ” Penny says and I think she’s trying hard not to sound condescending because I’m a bloody idiot, “No one in the Coven would go up against the Mage, not even Mum and she’s powerful.”

“What?” I ask.

“We’re in a military state. Have you never wondered why there haven’t been any elections?”

“I thought that’s how the World of Mage’s worked,” I admit sheepishly. 

“ _Simon_ ,” Penny signs _again_. “You take Political Science every year. You’ve read about elections.”

“Yeah, but I thought that’s what the Old Families called it for when they took in one of their own,” I mutter.

Penny gives me another heavy look through her thick glasses. I try not to shudder. “Mum was elected to the Coven before the Mage came along. Are you saying she’s got in based on her name?”

“I didn’t know. I thought only members from the Old Families were on the Coven before the Mage,” I answer sheepishly, realizing that I might be an idiot after all.

“Of course not. Why would you think that?”

“The Mage said—“ I don’t finish my thought. 

I think there is a lot I need to think about.

* * *

Baz comes back on Sunday evening. I don't talk to him. He doesn’t talk to me either. 

I don’t want him to know what I did. 

“You can’t tell Baz about this. Promise you won’t tell, Penny,” I plead just before dinner.

“I won’t. But maybe _you_ should,” Penny says and touches my arm. I don’t flinch away from her and let her hug me. “Baz thinks you hate him.”

“And I want to keep it that way,” I mutter into her hair. “Then Baz will never find out what I really feel.”

* * *

The next Saturday, I’m sitting at the library with Penny, trying to ignore the fact that Baz is on another date and how much that breaks me.

“I can’t believe Basilton of all people is one of those,” I hear Gareth say and clench my fist, standing up. I _will_ punch him.

“One of those?” I ask, my voice sounds too calm for what I’m about to do. I see Penny’s worried face from the corner of my eye. But she won't stop me.

“A race traitor. His boyfriend is a Normal. He won’t have magickal children.”

Rhys looks over, “They are _both_ blokes. They can’t have any children, magickal or not, you dolt.”

“Oh, yeah. I haven’t thought of that,” Gareth shrugs, “Then it doesn’t matter.”

He was talking about Baz dating a Normal, not Baz being gay. I start calming down immediately, but it’ll take time before I can talk to anyone.

“See you later,” I wave at them and leave, my hands still shaking. 

What _is_ wrong with these people? Why are they all obsessed with children? We’re still in school. Besides, not everyone wants to have children.

I don’t. I can hardly take care of myself. 

  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> If this is making you sad and you’d like a bit of cheering up — here’s some of my Snowbaz happy stories:
> 
>  **Teen** :  
>   
> [He’s not dull](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23805289/chapters/57193069) — multiple chapters.  
>   
> [It Can Only Be You](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24613699/chapters/59461462) — multiple chapters. (Co-written with [Theawkwardbibliophile](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Theawkwardbibliophile/pseuds/Theawkwardbibliophile).)  
>   
> [Better than Scones (Honey to Coffee Ratio Remix)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/27759214) — short, (1,163 words). (Co-written with [Theawkwardbibliophile](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Theawkwardbibliophile/pseuds/Theawkwardbibliophile).)  
>   
> [Baz is a cat](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23314567/chapters/55844782) — short (1,513 words.)  
>   
>  **Mature** :  
>   
> [Courting is Easy](https://archiveofourown.org/works/26718973/chapters/65180536) — multiple chapters, (4,358 words).  
>   
>  **Explicit** :  
>   
> [Summertime](https://archiveofourown.org/works/21792541/chapters/52001164) — multiple chapters.  
>   
> [How to lose a straight enemy in 10 easy steps](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23157277/chapters/55423396) — multiple chapters.  
>   
> [Liquid Fire (Sex and Blood Remix)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24917710/chapters/60300532) — multiple chapters.  
>   
> [Wanking my feelings away 2.0 edition](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23721121) — one shot.  
>   
> [All it took was one glance](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23517976) — one shot.  
>   
> [Simon’s Summer](https://archiveofourown.org/works/21646147) — one shot.  
>   
> [The happiest moment of my life](https://archiveofourown.org/works/21825082) — one shot (this is a smut part of a longer fic, and can be read separately.)  
>   
> [Wetter is Better](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24846886/chapters/60106213) — multiple chapters. (Co-written with [abbynormalj](https://archiveofourown.org/users/abbynormalj/pseuds/abbynormalj).)  
>   
> [SnowBaz explicit double drabbles](https://archiveofourown.org/series/1866586) from ’I love you’ prompts.  
>   
> Here’s a collection of my happy fics for Carry On Countdown. They are all various rating. **[Di’s Carry On Countdown 2020](https://archiveofourown.org/series/2023208)**
> 
> * * *
> 
> Thanks for reading. 💙


End file.
